I think I will always remember the exact spot in baggage claim at the airport where I was standing when I heard the news that my second father, teacher and mentor Mike had died suddenly. My husband and I were on our way back from a trip (which Mike had used his airline miles to send us on) with our infant son. We had flown all night, and upon arriving back in Denver, got the call that my 59-year-old friend had passed away in the night while on a ministry trip to Costa Rica. I remember the words my husband used when he told me. I remember my knees buckling as I hit the floor next to my baby’s car seat. I remember feeling like I was suffocating and drowning all at the same time.
Grief is weird. I tell people that all the time, and it’s the truth. It isn’t linear or the same as anyone else. There are still days 7 years later when I suddenly get hit with a memory, sometimes followed by tears and other times by laughter.
The fall and winter following Mike’s death were some of the hardest seasons of my life. I was dealing with health issues following a difficult birth with additional surgeries and long healing time. I was trying to nurse and nurture a 3-month-old baby who ate voraciously—and as you might know, new moms are pretty sure they are doing it all wrong all the time. And I was mourning the loss of my voice of encouragement and wisdom in Mike while trying to figure out how to continue the counseling ministry he had taught me. The darkness was thick during this time. It was like a heavy blanket that settled around my mind and heart, and the only way I could get through was to take each day a moment at a time.
I’m sure many of you have experienced seasons like this. But with darkness, we are more conscious of the Light piercing through. This was a time of going deeper with Jesus, of making all the moments so small and needing Him for each one. I couldn’t think about the future because it was too big and too scary. In dealing with today, I had to wake up and ask God to be everything I needed to even get out of bed. The amazing thing to me was that He carried me through. It was still an incredibly difficult season, but I find it’s often in the hard stuff that our relationships go deeper. Jesus held me close and reminded me that it wasn’t Mike who got me through life (although he was an incredible part of my growing to know Jesus in a real way) but it was Him!
A lot has changed since the day Mike died 7 years ago. I’ve added another baby, mourned other deaths and have done thousands of hours of counseling in the way Mike taught me. But Jesus hasn’t changed. He was enough for Mike, and He has been enough for me. He cuts through the darkness with His Light and I can see the way ahead. He loves me and reminds me of who I am in Him when I tend to forget often. I still need Him to carry me through with His strength, patience and faithfulness.
God is compassionate in our grief, not dismissive. He wonderfully reminds us that this is not the end, that our next adventure with Him is coming after death. But He also meets us in the journey today. So, even when the pangs of missing a loved one hit us again, we remember that we don’t walk this road alone and He will carry us through.
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3