My friends in Haiti are isolated from the world again after the gangs fired on a commercial plane and the airport was closed this week. They were ousted from their homes for over a year while fighting raged around them and they went into hiding. They have shown up for teen and preteen kids who are watching their friends die, and who are still healing from their pasts. I am so blown away by their faithfulness.
I speak to several woman who are raising kids while dealing with debilitating illness and chronic pain in themselves. They show up for their families in the ways they can while desperately surviving their own health journeys. I know they often feel like they are failing, like they can’t do what other moms can do. But I stand in awe of their faithfulness to keep showing up.
Several years ago, my husband and I were camping in Moab, Utah with our one-year-old son. Camping is probably a generous term—we did have a pop-up camper and weren’t really roughing it. We did, however, drive about half an hour outside of town on a dirt road to the middle of nowhere, and then parked the camper at the top of a rocky hill. The views were spectacular, and we would only see another car on the dirt road about once every few hours. It was a little taste of the wilderness, with only us and our little camper. No cell service, no toilets, and no other people around.
This seemed like a fantastic experience until we decided the next day to head back into town to get a few groceries. After piling in the truck, my husband tried to start the vehicle, but it wouldn’t start. The truck’s battery was dead. And the wilderness experience that seemed like a lot of fun became quite scary.
I started to panic, wondering how we would ever get out of there. No cars came by on the road, and it was at least a day’s walk to get back into town with a one-year-old and only so much food for camping. Finally after a bit of worry, my husband brilliantly figured out that he could use the camper batteries to jump the truck battery, and we were finally moving again.
But what about the figurative wildernesses in which we find ourselves where we can’t figure a way out, and we sit and wait with no resources and no hope? Wildernesses are a real experience in life, and one which often catches us by surprise. I’m not sure why, as so many of the people in the Bible went through years and years of wilderness, sometimes figurative and sometimes quite literal. There are stories of prison, hardships, desert-living, wandering, frustration, hopelessness, disbursement and aching for home.
I get questions a lot of times about why I love and serve God even when He doesn’t always give me what I want. A lot of people wonder why I continue to pursue relationship with Jesus, and consider it old-fashioned or burdensome. So, I wanted to write a post about why I choose Jesus.
It’s definitely not because of the people who call themselves Christians—although some are a wonderful gift to me and I’m so grateful for them. But the people in the Church are messy just like everyone else, and when we expect them to be perfect or to never hurt or reject us, we will be disappointed. I know, though, that people who believe in Jesus recognize they need something other than themselves to do life. So, as they are dependent on Him, they love people well. When they are relying on their own self-righteousness or rule-following, they end up in a place of religion which is toxic and downright abusive sometimes. The word religion means to bind over and over again. When we bind ourselves up in trying to please God without the power He has given us to do so, we are in a bigger mess than if we deny Him entirely.
I also don’t pursue relationship with God because I was raised to believe Him and brainwashed into doing so. In fact, I have had many reason NOT to pursue relationship with Him over the years, and it would actually be easier for me and make more sense to drop the whole thing! I could make more money, have easier relationships and not experience nearly as much rejection.
Instead, I love Jesus because He loved me first, not when I met His standard or expectation. He reached out to me in love with no strings attached. I don’t have to accept His love, and He experiences rejection more than any other person I know as many refuse Him.
There’s a little boy I see every morning when I’m dropping my daughter off at school. He comes to help drop off his older brother, and always shows up in his Superman pajamas complete with cape. The thing that always strikes me as hilarious is how he walks next to his dad. He’s this tiny little man, but walks like he is 10 feet tall—he definitely has the superhero walk down. His cape flows behind him, and he takes large, commanding steps no matter where he is going.
I love watching him and it makes me giggle a little to watch him stride through the parking lot. This morning, though, God spoke and asked me how I would walk if I knew and believed the super power that dwells within me? That caught me off guard. You see, I used to always walk with my eyes on my shoes (which might explain some of my clumsiness). I didn’t feel that I had worth, and I walked like it. I didn’t understand Who I had, or who I was.
You see, when you have Christ’s Life within you, you have the power of the Living God walking around with you. He says He will be everything you need, and we have all of Him to meet all of our problems, dilemmas and circumstances. I think when I realize that I am the chosen dwelling place of God Himself (1 Corinthians 6:19), and that makes me His.
We cry out from a broken heart,
Shards lying all around us on the ground.
Our tears pour out—
It feels like they will never end.
The pain explodes from within us,
Our chests feeling like they will break apart.
Lying face down on the ground,
Our desperate plea for help and rescue escaping our lips.
Our Kind Shepherd is here,
Never leaving, never abandoning us in grief.
A man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief Himself,
He will not turn away.
I hate being sick. The weakness, the pain, the feeling of being behind on everything while simultaneously feeling like you can’t get out of bed. As with every seemingly negative thing in life, I try to see Jesus in it. I have realized that the last week or so I’ve been praying for those with chronic pain and illness much more than I usually do. Something about the reminder of what those people feel every morning when they get up makes me come before the Father with the realization of how hard that must be.
There was a movie many years ago called “What About Bob?” in which the two main characters are a psychiatrist and patient. The patient proceeds to drive the psychiatrist totally crazy by following his “baby steps” right into chasing the therapist down on vacation. The idea of baby steps for everything—small movements or decisions in life that add up to bigger strides to a goal—were supposed to help Bob (the patient) to overcome some of his anxiety. As funny as that movie was about the whole thing, there is something to be said for baby-stepping your way through life.
I was listening to Lisa Jo Baker today as she talked about a story in 2 Chronicles in which God told King Jehoshaphat to do some crazy things when faced with enemies bent on the destruction of his people. God told him not to fear, to stand still and to watch the Lord fight for him. So, he sent the choir out front of the army and marched down to meet the other armies. The singers sang praise to God and as they did this, the Lord defeated the armies and had them kill each other. When the Israelites arrived on the scene, nothing was left but corpses. It made me laugh because of how often God asks us to do the thing that doesn’t make sense, that makes us feel or look like a fool, or that is the opposite of what we would think we should do.
It’s easy to feel that evil is swallowing up the world. Take one look around you and find pain, lies, brokenness and the overall feeling that we might be drowning without even realizing it. But perhaps what we see is what doing life without God looks like. It has happened many times before throughout history, this distancing from God and His ways. The results are never good. Governments, countries and powers that seem invincible and brilliant fall by the wayside as they implode. People convince themselves and each other that they are smarter than all the others and no longer need God.
I am excited to announce we are having a women’s retreat this year on November 1-3 at Table Mountain Inn in beautiful Golden, Colorado! We will meet from Friday evening through Sunday lunch, enjoying a few wonderful speakers, worship time, good fellowship with other women and also a chance to benefit from the giftings of some of the ladies who will be there like coaching, counseling and personality testing.
Sometimes the callings on our lives seem so grand and enlightening. And sometimes, they seem more like just surviving. Our week-long camping trip in southern Colorado turned out like the latter. After pulling the kids out of school, we would head off to the Great Sand Dunes for a few days, followed by Pagosa Springs and maybe the Royal Gorge if we had time. I was really looking forward to sitting in a hot springs pool for an afternoon after a stressful back-to-school month.
If you’re anything like me, there are things you give up on all the time. So many resolutions are made around New Year’s Day, and so many are discarded within a month of making them. Sometimes I give up on them because I realize there is a better way of doing things, or other times I realize the plans I had were just unrealistic altogether. I am enough of a visionary that I can plan for all sorts of wonderful changes, but the details of actually doing them can make me realize they aren’t happening.
Someone recently asked me about my definition of hope. I remember when I was first thinking about what to call this ministry, “Broken and Hopeful” came to mind instantly and my next thought was—well, that’s a stupid name. Ha! But I couldn’t get away from the name, and I believe it’s what God had for me to call it.
Of the many topics I can write about in this blog, this one made me cringe more than most. I am so grateful for the freedom God has brought me in some areas of my own addiction to pleasing others (or at least trying really hard to do so). But the way we learn to be free from this is to have people not be happy with us, or to be in a place where we can’t get acceptance no matter what we do. And as an expert people-pleaser, this meant that I had to be rejected a lot before I was willing to even entertain the idea that I needed to get my acceptance from only one being in my life—Jesus.
You wouldn’t think a little shift in perspective would change your life, but I have experienced exactly that. When we obsess on all the things we think are wrong or how we don’t have enough of something, we move to the negative and live in that mess. When we recognize Jesus even in the hard of life, we can move forward with a totally different mindset.
Sometimes I throw temper tantrums about my life.I might as well be a 2-year-old with the fits I can have concerning all the things I feel I should not have to be experiencing, the comparisons I make to find myself lacking, and the struggles of others I want to wish away. I get mad at God, at the situation and at myself. It’s really hard for me to understand rest in the middle of struggle.
Every couple of weeks, I attend a little ladies’ Bible study at my neighbor’s house. These women have been such a gift to me in their kindness, lack of judgement (even if I didn’t read all the homework!) and compassion in walking with each other. We are studying a series on Gideon, and I have been surprised at how much I see God’s compassion for the Israelites in some of the passages of the Old Testament. This people messed up over and over, running the opposite direction from where God had told them to go.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.Waiting for the waiting to end.Waiting for the prayer to be answered.Waiting for God to do something to bring relief.But in the frustration of waiting,Sometimes we forget to notice the meantime.For in the meantime, God brings enough for today.In the meantime, we see His strength in our weakness.
I think I will always remember the exact spot in baggage claim at the airport where I was standing when I heard the news that my second father, teacher and mentor Mike had died suddenly. My husband and I were on our way back from a trip (which Mike had used his airline miles to send us on) with our infant son.
